The Roadblock

I was once ambitious. I had the fire. I was willing to explore the highway. I told myself I’d overcome all the obstacles, climb the top of the mountain, and make a difference. But somewhere along the road, I took a detour and never went back to the path I originally wanted for myself. Somewhere along the road, I lost myself.

What happened?

I feel like I no longer have that fiery spirit one needs to succeed. I lost my competitive streak. The sad part? I was aware but I never did anything to bring it back. Or if I ever did, it obviously wasn’t enough.

I was an adventurer willing to venture into the unknown. But somewhere along my adventures, I came across  a comfortable zone that I didn’t know I craved until I was there. Unknowingly, I settled in and the  comfort was too great I couldn’t get out.

Or maybe I could but deep inside the recesses of my consciousness, I didn’t want to resist that pull.  Maybe during one of those short intervals wherein my fiery spirit resurfaced, I didn’t cooperate. Oh I did try. Many times, in fact. But not enough. It obviously wasn’t enough.

Maybe I wasn’t the determined adventurer I thought I was. Maybe the failures and mistakes I thought I conquered left wounds I never noticed and wore me out. As the path became more challenging with all its traps and barricades, did doubt in what I’m capable of creep in making detours more tempting? Was the blazing fire I thought I had merely a flame from a candle? Easily lit, but easily extinguished. Was I not good enough for the path I’ve chosen?

I feel like I’m stranded for a very long time now. From this small haven I call my comfort zone, I observed countless others fighting their own battles. While I was willingly trapped, I watch them take a step forward towards their goals and dreams. Become a beacon of hope and a role model to those who still have a lot of challenges cut out for them. Then I’d think, “Why am I still here? Haven’t I over welcomed my leisurely stay? Shouldn’t I be out there making my mark in the world too?” Finally, reality is slowly catching up with me.

From someone who detoured and chose to be a spectator as others traveled their paths, I realized that the road I was in isn’t even worthy of comparison to the roadblocks that tried to hold others back. I let a few tumbles stop me when others had to jump off a cliff. If their fire remained, why can’t mine?  If they were able to find joy in every step, why can’t I? Why did I choose to be happy in my comfort zone instead of being happy at the sense of accomplishment I’ll get if I participated in the race as well?

I let opportunities pass by because I was too comfortable. Why am I settling for less when I can have more? Why did I lose the competitiveness I used to love about myself? Why am I not as driven to better myself anymore? Instead of being a tiny flame that can cause a forest fire, I easily let a little bit of wind put me out.

What happened? I asked.

I happened. Somewhere along the road, I turned myself into my own roadblock. I was the one holding myself back, denying me of the life I wanted. I became the detour that trapped me into a comfort zone of my own creation.  Am I the only one suffering from this affliction?

I haven’t done anything because what time I was given, I wasted on the senseless while others have made the most out of theirs. Seeking out opportunities and turning obstacles into windows of opportunity. I chose to see my scars in the form of self doubt and insecurities instead of seeing them as a reminder that I can heal from whatever mistakes or failures I’ve been through. I chose to see a glass as half empty instead of half full.  I’m less because I allowed myself to be contented with less. I chose to spend my time on triviality instead of participating in substantial and life changing opportunities. Because of this, I haven’t accomplished as much as I initially wanted to. We’re a product of our choices and their consequences. In my case, I became a roadblock that I have yet to overcome.

Will knowing that I was at fault make me a better person again? Is wishing that I can escape the lesser self I’ve become enough? Will planning my escape from this roadblock I’ve created bring me back the fire I needed to make the escape  possible?

No.

What is merely a thought will remain a thought until they are put into action. It’s just then that they will start making a difference. It’s then that I can finally find again the path I originally planned on pursuing and become the better person I wanted to be.

A roadblock should be seen as an opportunity, not an obstacle. A chance to be better. Stronger. Wiser.

And now, there’s a new roadblock a few steps ahead. A new opportunity to prove something for myself. I’ve been thinking, planning and enjoying long enough.

It’s time to make a difference.

Captured…

…only in pen and paper.

I wish I have a good digital camera instead of a pen, paper and a cell phone camera. While words cater to the imagination, catching a part of life behind the lens of the camera would aptly describe the things that words will never be able to fully explain. I will try though, as much as I can.

I was sitting in a kiosk when I saw two street children playing and disturbing other people. What caught my eye wasn’t the typical “they-still-know-how-to-enjoy-life-despite-their-state-in-life”. What caught my attention was that one of the children was trying to mimic what seemed to me as a headstand(I can’t describe it in detail so just google it, lol). Eventually, he fell and based from the reaction in his face, it was painful. He just laid down there on the grass for a minute or two and then he smiled, got up, and went about chasing the other child with him. After a couple of minutes, he went back and tried to do a cartwheel, landed on the wrong foot and went limping back with a smile still plastered on his face.

I don’t know what made him do those things when obviously, no one really taught him to do so (or so I thought). It could be something he saw on television or have seen some older children do those things.

Aware or unaware, he was actually learning how to do some stunts.

Funny that people still think that education is confined within the four walls of a classroom when a lot of people actually just observe life, experience it, and then learn from it.

Give the child a few more years, open up possibilities to develop his skill and he can become a professional dancer. Sometimes, how skillful a person is or becomes also can be reflected from the opportunities that come his way. Everyone is capable, but not everyone is given the privilege to develop their abilities and their potential.

I just feel sorry for the state that these people are in because while there are those who don’t take things for granted, there are those—including me—who just don’t realize what was being served in their plates.

All my life, I’ve been given a lot of opportunities. Some I’ve grabbed and taken the most out of while other’s I’ve ignored or neglected. Why I chose to ignore them, I can’t exactly say. Maybe I didn’t really like them or I just haven’t seen its worth. When I think about it, those opportunities I’ve chosen to ignore or neglect (and there certainly was a lot of them) could have been the opportunities somebody out there have been wishing to have or need to have.

I just hope that these kids wouldn’t get tired of learning and waiting for better opportunities. Just like in Pandora’s box, when all of the bad have been pouring out, there’s always hope left. 🙂