Staring at the mirror of the past and the present

After decades of being lost or whatever you call it, I have decided to write again or die trying.

I really miss writing, especially the part of it that makes me express myself and my perceptions on things. Staring at this monitor in front of me, I find it so hard to let the words and thoughts flow out like the way they used to before. This is the downside of neglecting doing something for so long. When you try to go back, it’s as if you have to start from scrap. Crap.

I’m not even sure anymore if what I’m writing right now is grammatically correct or not.

When I entered college, I thought I would be able to explore myself more… be more.But from what I am seeing, leaving my comfort zone resulted to leaving a part of my identity as well. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am right now but I love who and what I was before. I guess I just miss those times wherein I was able to do the things I really like and the things that I was obligated to do… all at the same time. Before, I was able to balance my studies, extra-curricular activities, and hobbies.

Of course, university life is obviously a different level compared to high school but then again, what I’m pointing out is my attitude towards responsibilities, obligations and whatnot. I was never the type who easily accepts failure and being average. Why should I be satisfied when I could do more than what was expected of me? I guess the reason for this kind of outlook was the fact that I have a reputation and an identity to live up to. People expected a lot from me, to be like this and like that, to be able to do this and that.

But cliche as it may seem, it’s true that when you go to a new environment, you have a chance of being a new you. Of course, it wouldn’t be so easy to assume a new identity or personality because more often than not, it’s not easy to pretend being someone else when you have been so used to being the you that you have known. But that’s not the real point here, the point is that with a new environment comes a new set of people. They don’t have the same expectations from you or perceptions about you compared to the people you knew before. They don’t really know who and what you were before.

For people like me, who used those very expectations and reputations to succeed or strive to do what it is that they want to achieve… losing that fuel meant losing the fire.

It’s really frustrating. I hate it that I have come to adhere to the concept of bahala na andpwede na yan. Why am I satisfied with the ordinary when I can do extraordinary? Why can I no longer balance my studies, extra-curricular activities, and hobbies? Why am I like this? Why?

I guess I’m just upset over the fact that I can no longer do or I don’t have the same enthusiasm for the things I love to do before. I miss reading on Literature and History. I miss writing. I miss parliamentary debating (even if it was mentally stressful, lol). I miss watching Anime and Korean dramas. I miss watching documentaries. I miss doing things that  had defined and shaped me as a person.

When I think about it, the only thing that I like to do that I’m still able to do is dancing and I have this feeling that someday, I might have to give that up too because of my studies.

It might seem shallow to be overly affected just because of these simple things but what I’m stressing here is that I am neglecting doing these little things, these very little things that I love doing just because I have to do the things that I am obligated to do but I don’t enjoy doing.

I know that I’m sulking and brooding over this situation that I’m currently in and instead of continuing to do so, I should do something productive or constructive out of it. But that’s the point, it’s as if I lost that part of me, that kind of thinking that I used to have.

Instead of becoming more, I’ve become less.

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