I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to because I have to wake up early to jog but I can’t because my mind won’t shut up. It keeps on thinking and thinking and thinking… So I’m writing this away, hoping that it’ll sort of appease my mind (and let me sleep!).
It’s really frustating. I’m tired but I keep on thinking about so many things. One moment I’m thinking about this street vendor I saw while inside our car and remembered how I admired him for choosing an honest living when he being out in the streets obviously meant dealing with a lot of temptation to just go to the dark side, if you know what I mean lol. Then from the dark side I’d think about the dark force and start thinking about Star Wars and how amazing the movies were. Then it made me remember how I got addicted to Star Trek after watching the 2009 movie and downloaded all the earlier/original Star Trek movies. Imagine travelling in outer space at an incredible speed with antimatter as your fuel? Or transporting yourself from one place to another? Or discovering the mysteries of the universe and realize that aliens really do exist?
Then I’d think about NASA and CERN and their research programs. I first heard about CERN after reading Angels and Demons when I was in 2nd yr high school. I researched about it just to check if Dan Brown wasn’t bluffing, haha. He wasn’t. I’d suddenly remember my childhood dream of working at NASA. I wanted to become an astronomer or astrophysicist after reading about black holes from the encyclopedias my mom bought when I was still in 5th grade. Speaking of black holes… Stephen Hawking claims that black holes don’t exist! Well, Stephen Hawking is Einstein level, so you really can’t just brush him off as another lunatic sprouting nonsense. Well, he didn’t exactly mean that black holes don’t exist. They do. It’s just that according to him, they don’t have event horizons (the point wherein not even light can escape or the point of no return). Instead, he claims that they only have apparent horizons that temporarily traps energy and matter but can eventually be released. The event horizon is what makes black holes… black holes. Like their trademark or identity. Imagine a black hole with no event horizon. It’s no longer a black hole if that’s the case, which was what Hawking was trying to say. Imagine the uproar his idea is making in the Science community, haha!
I know, this is not a big deal to most people because who cares if there are black holes? But I like astronomy and this is my blog and it’s my mind that’s talking and I can’t completely control it so bare with it. Anyway, the moral of the story is, learn to accept changes and adjust to them. Be open minded. Truth is relative. What is true today may no longer be true tomorrow or what is acceptable/unacceptable today can be considered unacceptable/acceptable tomorrow. Norms change.
About norms, I’d think about how there are so many rules and restrictions set by society on women. And how women are so easily judged. We live in a patriarchal society, after all. I know it’s not as profound as it was years ago but it’s still there. Like how society dictates women to not wear revealing clothes because it makes them look cheap or a neon sign that says, “Rape me!” It’s already a common warning. “Don’t wear skimpy clothes or you’re just asking for rape” etc. As if it’s the woman’s fault that she’s raped because of how she acts and what she wears. So following that twisted logic, I can stab someone to death just because he looks like he’s asking to be stabbed and get away with it. I can say, “You can’t blame me, blame him. He looks like he’s asking to be stabbed!” And when a woman sleeps around, she’s considered a slut but if a guy sleeps around or cheats, people would say, “He’s a guy. ‘Nuff said.” As if it’s okay to accept that or it isn’t as scandalous just because he’s a guy and it’s their nature to be like that. WHAT THE HELL.
What an unfair world we are in.
Then I’d think about how unfair it is that many illiterate children are out there who probably have so much potential but can’t nurture that potential because they can’t afford an education that could hone whatever intelligence or skill they already have. They’re undiscovered gems, lacking in luster because they weren’t discovered. Remained hidden somewhere where no miner has access to them. While there are those who have everything at their feet but choose to take things for granted simply because they didn’t know how it feels to lack in anything or to not have what they had. It’s just so unfair how wealth is unevenly distributed.
At this point, I’d feel guilty because I have this nagging notion that I’m not doing anything worthy of all the blessings I’ve got. I’m just lucky that I have hardworking parents who knew how it felt to not have much and thus worked hard to provide us with enough to get by, we’re not rich but we’re definitely not poor. I feel that I’ve not been studying enough or caring enough or worthy enough to warrant such a good life. I’m picky with food. I don’t like vegetables, cheese, etc while there are those who have to find food in the dumpster because they don’t have the luxury of choosing which food to eat. Hell, they often don’t eat! I’d see street children or old people looking for things and food in dumpsters, hoping that some discarded material could be of use to them. Another man’s trash is another man’s treasure. While here I am, looking at all my clothes (and I have lots of them) and whine, “I don’t have anything to wear!” Someone out there literally has nothing to wear, they don’t even have a home. Unless you consider sleeping under the bridge or beside highways as your idea of a home.
I can’t count how many times I feel so distraught when I see these people and think about how there’s such a gap between those who are privileged and those who aren’t. When I go to malls and see all these people wearing expensive clothes or eating at restaurants/fast foods, I remember that there are those outside of these giant walls that are not as lucky. I know that people work hard to get the kind of luxury they have, I mean, that’s why people work. Aside from career satisfaction or ego or whatnot, it always boils down to money. So I know that these people who can afford what they already have deserved it because they worked for it. For those who were born rich, you really can’t blame them. It’s not their fault anyway that they have what they have. Their parents and the people before them worked hard for it so they can provide for their families.
And then I’d make a promise to myself that I’ll work hard so that my future family would be able to enjoy a little luxury because I don’t want them to experience the hardships other people go through. Then I’d start planning my life again and plot ways on how to achieve my goals and dreams in life. Then I’d feel scared because what if I fail in the licensure exam which is what would help jumpstart my career?! Then I’d panic and have this urge to study in the middle of the night.
Yada yada yada. My mind can still go on and on, talking and thinking about my life, poverty, society, History, Science and countless other topics. It can get pretty exhausting talking to myself. Even while I’m writing this, my mind is still talking ugh. It’s amazing how the mind can jump from one thought to another when it’s supposed to rest and stop thinking so hard for a few hours.
Now you know why this blog is called The Rambling Philosopher.
Dammit, it’s almost 2AM! (And I’m hungry)