The Roadblock

I was once ambitious. I had the fire. I was willing to explore the highway. I told myself I’d overcome all the obstacles, climb the top of the mountain, and make a difference. But somewhere along the road, I took a detour and never went back to the path I originally wanted for myself. Somewhere along the road, I lost myself.

What happened?

I feel like I no longer have that fiery spirit one needs to succeed. I lost my competitive streak. The sad part? I was aware but I never did anything to bring it back. Or if I ever did, it obviously wasn’t enough.

I was an adventurer willing to venture into the unknown. But somewhere along my adventures, I came across  a comfortable zone that I didn’t know I craved until I was there. Unknowingly, I settled in and the  comfort was too great I couldn’t get out.

Photo from: http://quotespictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/the-comfort-zone-is-like-addictive-drug.jpg

Or maybe I could but deep inside the recesses of my consciousness, I didn’t want to resist that pull.  Maybe during one of those short intervals wherein my fiery spirit resurfaced, I didn’t cooperate. Oh I did try. Many times, in fact. But not enough. It obviously wasn’t enough.

Maybe I wasn’t the determined adventurer I thought I was. Maybe the failures and mistakes I thought I conquered left wounds I never noticed and wore me out. As the path became more challenging with all its traps and barricades, did doubt in what I’m capable of creep in making detours more tempting? Was the blazing fire I thought I had merely a flame from a candle? Easily lit, but easily extinguished. Was I not good enough for the path I’ve chosen?

I feel like I’m stranded for a very long time now. From this small haven I call my comfort zone, I observed countless others fighting their own battles. While I was willingly trapped, I watch them take a step forward towards their goals and dreams. Become a beacon of hope and a role model to those who still have a lot of challenges cut out for them. Then I’d think, “Why am I still here? Haven’t I over welcomed my leisurely stay? Shouldn’t I be out there making my mark in the world too?” Finally, reality is slowly catching up with me.

From someone who detoured and chose to be a spectator as others traveled their paths, I realized that the road I was in isn’t even worthy of comparison to the roadblocks that tried to hold others back. I let a few tumbles stop me when others had to jump off a cliff. If their fire remained, why can’t mine?  If they were able to find joy in every step, why can’t I? Why did I choose to be happy in my comfort zone instead of being happy at the sense of accomplishment I’ll get if I participated in the race as well?

I let opportunities pass by because I was too comfortable. Why am I settling for less when I can have more? Why did I lose the competitiveness I used to love about myself? Why am I not as driven to better myself anymore? Instead of being a tiny flame that can cause a forest fire, I easily let a little bit of wind put me out.

What happened? I asked.

I happened. Somewhere along the road, I turned myself into my own roadblock. I was the one holding myself back, denying me of the life I wanted. I became the detour that trapped me into a comfort zone of my own creation.  Am I the only one suffering from this affliction?

Photo from: http://quoteshared.com/best-isaac-marano-quotes-about-comfort-zone/

I haven’t done anything because what time I was given, I wasted on the senseless while others have made the most out of theirs. Seeking out opportunities and turning obstacles into windows of opportunity. I chose to see my scars in the form of self doubt and insecurities instead of seeing them as a reminder that I can heal from whatever mistakes or failures I’ve been through. I chose to see a glass as half empty instead of half full.  I’m less because I allowed myself to be contented with less. I chose to spend my time on triviality instead of participating in substantial and life changing opportunities. Because of this, I haven’t accomplished as much as I initially wanted to. We’re a product of our choices and their consequences. In my case, I became a roadblock that I have yet to overcome.

Will knowing that I was at fault make me a better person again? Is wishing that I can escape the lesser self I’ve become enough? Will planning my escape from this roadblock I’ve created bring me back the fire I needed to make the escape  possible?

No.

What is merely a thought will remain a thought until they are put into action. It’s just then that they will start making a difference. It’s then that I can finally find again the path I originally planned on pursuing and become the better person I wanted to be.

A roadblock should be seen as an opportunity, not an obstacle. A chance to be better. Stronger. Wiser.

And now, there’s a new roadblock a few steps ahead. A new opportunity to prove something for myself. I’ve been thinking, planning and enjoying long enough.

It’s time to make a difference.

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A Thief in the Night

Yesterday night, I heard that a local celebrity got into a road accident (I think the bus skidded off the road and fell over a cliff) and was one of the passengers who died instantly. It was all over the news and my News Feed was full of posts saying how sad they were that he was gone. That he may have died young but he lived a meaningful life. I never knew him personally, just another celebrity who made me laugh when I was younger. Still, it caught me off guard. I didn’t expect that and I still can’t believe it happened to him. And it also made me realize how unpredictable life–and death– can be. I once said in a blog entry that,

“Death is like a thief in the night. You can never be sure when it’s going to come and rob you of something precious–your life.”

At some point, each one of us is going to die. Millions die everyday. It can be because of a disease, old age, or an accident.  I’m not afraid over the likelihood that I may die any time. However, thinking about the possible death of someone I love or someone very important to me? That I’m really afraid of. I understand old age or disease, at least I’d be able to prepare myself when the time comes. But accidents? They’re another matter. I’ll never be prepared for that. I already get teary eyed just thinking about the possibility that what if later on today, tomorrow or a few months from now, my parents, younger brother, relative or a very close friend gets into an accident and doesn’t make it out alive…

Especially my family. I don’t know how I’ll cope up with that. Hell, it took me a year to get over a silly college heartbreak. What more for the death of my… Ugh, I don’t know if I can handle that kind of pain. I’d probably cry for months. Even writing this down makes me teary eyed already. As if a part of me is ripped out. I think death can do that to a person. Even watching a TV show or a movie with someone dying in it makes me cry really hard, as if I’m the one who lost somebody. And it’s just a show for God’s sake! How much more if it’s real?What if something happens to my family? How will I ever be able to deal with that? I think I’ll never be ready for that possibility. And that’s the problem, it’s very possible. It’s there, lurking in the shadows. Looking… Waiting…

They say that death ends a life, not a relationship. You can say whatever you want to ease the pain. That they’re in a happy place or that as long as you think of them, they will still be there. That their memories will stay with you for as long as you live. Still, you can’t change the fact that it’s a period at the end of a sentence, the last chapter of the book for that someone so dear  to you. It will never ever be the same. They will never be there anymore for anything that happens in your life. 😦

These are sad and scary thoughts. I don’t want to think about all these things but I can’t bring myself to not think about it.

Ah, shit. *sigh*

Finding Beauty in Escaping

Sometimes, you stay at one place for far too long it starts to suffocate you. Suddenly, everything is just wrong. You become too restless, like there is a need to just drop the things you have to do, need to do, and usually do and just… go. Be free of the burden that is everyday life.

If that happens, listen to that nagging whisper in your head to escape because sometimes, that’s exactly what you need at the moment. Find that one thing you could use as a means to escape reality and the problems associated with it.

Escape for me usually meant a good book or if one isn’t handy, then I just do marathons of my favorite TV series. Why? Because they bring you to places you’ve never been before, they make you feel and experience things without being exactly there. Because they make you forget just for awhile all the things that have been stressing you out lately be it work, studies, family, social, or love life. Or you can empathize with them because you know exactly how they feel at the moment because you’ve been there or currently there. Or you can simply just be entertained and admire the wonder that is creativity and imagination.

But sometimes, there is that need to literally go or escape and for me, that meant traveling to places I’ve never been before or to places I’ve been that gave me some peace and quiet. You can call it anything you want. I call it soul cleansing because there comes a time when you simply have this urge to break away from everything. Suddenly, you feel like you don’t appreciate your surroundings and feel weary. That’s the time to escape. Be cleansed. To go to places you’ve wanted or dreamed of going. To places where you can relax, be a different person without having to be judged or to be over analyzed or to simply just escape the pressure, the expectations, and the problems you face everyday.

Traveling makes you see the beauty of life. It makes you realize that there is so much beauty out there that you can take in if you let it. Do it alone if you like or you can do it with friends, whichever suits you the best.

Just recently, my academics has taken its toll on me and I’ve been a bit upset and resentful over some things, which I don’t really want to elaborate right now. When opportunity in the form of my high school friends inviting me to a 3-day getaway in a place a thousand miles away came my way, well, I can’t find it in my heart to say no. By the way, that 3-day getaway turned into a week. I was really, really reluctant to go back and do my thesis.

Here are two photos taken from that trip.

Stay at a relaxing and peaceful resort.

Try snorkeling and swimming with the whalesharks. They’re really huge!

But always remember to go back because no matter how tempting it is to get away from the source of all your stress and problems, it will never be a permanent solution. Don’t forget that this escape is temporary, more of a pause button than a stop. When things are too much to handle, pause. Take a breather and then resume after awhile. When you return from that getaway, you’ll feel refreshed. Like you can take on the hurdles being thrown your way and the stress becomes more bearable because there’s something you can look back to. Something beautiful, something different from what you usually encounter.

Because sometimes, that’s what we need. When we start being less enthusiastic and less appreciative due to problems and stress, then we start complaining more about our current state than doing something to change it. That’s exactly the time to go out there and see the world in order to make you realize that there is still so much beauty waiting to be appreciated, discovered and experienced. 🙂