Musings of the mind at midnight

11:51PM

I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to because I have to wake up early to jog but I can’t because my mind won’t shut up. It keeps on thinking and thinking and thinking… So I’m writing this away, hoping that it’ll sort of appease my mind (and let me sleep!).

It’s really frustating. I’m tired but I keep on thinking about so many things. One moment I’m thinking about this street vendor I saw while inside our car and remembered how I admired him for choosing an honest living when he being out in the streets obviously meant dealing with a lot of temptation to just go to the dark side, if you know what I mean lol. Then from the dark side I’d think about the dark force and start thinking about Star Wars and how amazing the movies were. Then it made me remember how I got addicted to Star Trek after watching the 2009 movie and downloaded all the earlier/original Star Trek movies. Imagine travelling in outer space at an incredible speed with antimatter as your fuel? Or transporting yourself from one place to another? Or discovering the mysteries of the universe and realize that aliens really do exist?

Then I’d think about NASA and CERN and their research programs. I first heard about CERN after reading Angels and Demons when I was in 2nd yr high school. I researched about it just to check if Dan Brown wasn’t bluffing, haha. He wasn’t. I’d suddenly remember my childhood dream of working at NASA. I wanted to become an astronomer or astrophysicist after reading about black holes from the encyclopedias my mom bought when I was still in 5th grade. Speaking of black holes… Stephen Hawking claims that black holes don’t exist! Well, Stephen Hawking is Einstein level, so you really can’t just brush him off as another lunatic sprouting nonsense. Well, he didn’t exactly mean that black holes don’t exist. They do. It’s just that according to him, they don’t have event horizons (the point wherein not even light can escape or the point of no return). Instead, he claims that they only have apparent horizons that temporarily traps energy and matter but can eventually be released. The event horizon is what makes black holes… black holes. Like their trademark or identity. Imagine a black hole with no event horizon. It’s no longer a black hole if that’s the case, which was what Hawking was trying to say. Imagine the uproar his idea is making in the Science community, haha!

I know, this is not a big deal to most people because who cares if there are black holes? But I like astronomy and this is my blog and it’s my mind that’s talking and I can’t completely control it so bare with it.  Anyway, the moral of the story is, learn to accept changes and adjust to them. Be open minded. Truth is relative. What is true today may no longer be true tomorrow or what is acceptable/unacceptable today can be considered unacceptable/acceptable tomorrow.  Norms change.

About norms, I’d think about how there are so many rules and restrictions set by society on women. And how women are so easily judged. We live in a patriarchal society, after all. I know it’s not as profound as it was years ago but it’s still there. Like how society dictates women to not wear revealing clothes because it makes them look cheap or a neon sign that says, “Rape me!” It’s already a common warning. “Don’t wear skimpy clothes or you’re just asking for rape” etc. As if it’s the woman’s fault that she’s raped because of how she acts and what she wears. So following that twisted logic, I can stab someone to death just because he looks like he’s asking to be stabbed and get away with it. I can say, “You can’t blame me, blame him. He looks like he’s asking to be stabbed!”  And when a woman sleeps around, she’s considered a slut but if a guy sleeps around or cheats, people would say, “He’s a guy. ‘Nuff said.” As if it’s okay to accept that or it isn’t as scandalous just because he’s a guy and it’s their nature to be like that. WHAT THE HELL.

What an unfair world we are in.

Then I’d think about how unfair it is that many illiterate children are out there who probably have so much potential but can’t nurture that potential because they can’t afford an education that could hone whatever intelligence or skill they already have. They’re undiscovered gems, lacking in luster because they weren’t discovered. Remained hidden somewhere where no miner has access to them. While there are those who have everything at their feet but choose to take things for granted simply because they didn’t know how it feels to lack in anything or to not have what they had. It’s just so unfair how wealth is unevenly distributed.

At this point, I’d feel guilty because I have this nagging notion that I’m not doing anything worthy of all the blessings I’ve got. I’m just lucky that I have hardworking parents who knew how it felt to not have much and thus worked hard to provide us with enough to get by, we’re not rich but we’re definitely not poor. I feel that I’ve not been studying enough or caring enough or worthy enough to warrant such a good life. I’m picky with food. I don’t like vegetables, cheese, etc while there are those who have to find food in the dumpster because they don’t have the luxury of choosing which food to eat. Hell, they often don’t eat! I’d see street children or old people looking for things and food in dumpsters, hoping that some discarded material could be of use to them. Another man’s trash is another man’s treasure. While here I am, looking at all my clothes (and I have lots of them) and whine, “I don’t have anything to wear!” Someone out there literally has nothing to wear, they don’t even have a home. Unless you consider sleeping under the bridge or beside highways as your idea of a home.

I can’t count how many times I feel so distraught when I see these people and think about how there’s such a gap between those who are privileged and those who aren’t. When I go to malls and see all these people wearing expensive clothes or eating at restaurants/fast foods, I remember that there are those outside of these giant walls that are not as lucky. I know that people work hard to get the kind of luxury they have, I mean, that’s why people work. Aside from career satisfaction or ego or whatnot, it always boils down to money. So I know that these people who can afford what they already have deserved it because they worked for it. For those who were born rich, you really can’t blame them. It’s not their fault anyway that they have what they have. Their parents and the people before them worked hard for it so they can provide for their families.

And then I’d make a promise to myself that I’ll work hard so that my future family would be able to enjoy a little luxury because I don’t want them to experience the hardships other people go through. Then I’d start planning my life again and plot ways on how to achieve my goals and dreams in life. Then I’d feel scared because what if I fail in the licensure exam which is what would help jumpstart my career?! Then I’d panic and have this urge to study in the middle of the night.

Yada yada yada. My mind can still go on and on, talking and thinking about my life, poverty, society, History, Science and countless other topics. It can get pretty exhausting talking to myself. Even while I’m writing this, my mind is still talking ugh. It’s amazing how the mind can jump from one thought to another when it’s supposed to rest and stop thinking so hard for a few hours.

Now you know why this blog is called The Rambling Philosopher.

Dammit, it’s almost 2AM! (And I’m hungry)

Ticking Time Bomb

It’s the 1st of July, another month closer to the end of the semester. Why do I feel like I’m a living time bomb? Another month has passed, nearing my explosion and thus, my death. I used to wish or even demand for the semester to come and go quickly so I can enjoy the semestral break. Apparently, when you’re doing your thesis, the opposite happens. Time just goes so quickly! It’s as if it’s mocking me to run after it and go way past it. Can’t it just take a pause and rest for awhile? A very long while. [insert grabbing hair in frustration here] If I’m the time bomb, my thesis is the detonator and the ones holding that detonator are my thesis adviser and panel members.

God, I’m so nervous. Why is time suddenly going way too fast? It was only June last night, for crying out loud!

I need to get myself together. I have traveled a very long and difficult road to get to where I am right now. I can almost see the “light”. I guess there always comes a time when you’re close to finishing something you have worked hard for, you suddenly get cold feet. You suddenly think, “Am I really almost there?” “Is it almost over?” “Is everything really going to be okay?” “Is this for real?!”

Don't give up now. You are closer than you think.

Don’t give up now. You are closer than you think.

But I can’t possibly give up now, not when I know that I am closer than I think. I guess I’ll have to just look back and remember the sleepless nights, the sacrifices, the tears I’ve shed over the years just to get to where I am right now.

First things first, I have to get way past the experiments I still have to do before I can start writing my thesis manuscript, then, thesis defense. Then…

GRADUATION.

The top of the mountain, the light at the end of a long road, the goal. One word. But more than enough to make every hardship worth it.

Dont-Give-Up

Always remember, it will be worth it.

Do you believe in soulmates?

It’s been awhiiile since the last time I wrote something here. I’ve been gone for more than a month and so many things have already happened here, I hope I can catch up with the people I follow and all that. Anywayyy…

After a year of staying on an apartment, my housemates decided that we could no longer afford it, so we transferred, this time, in a dormitory for ladies. The dorm’s owner also stays at home with her family, and they rent bed spaces for us students in their extra rooms. Earlier today, I woke up a bit later than usual and had my brunch at the dining area. Tita, as we all bedspacers fondly call her, accompanied me and the next thing I know, she was already sharing her love story.

In her younger days, tita had many suitors and had many boyfriends (One at a time of course). All of them were  goodlooking and were really nice. She told me how she became famous in high school because her boyfriend was almost every girl’s dream. That was his first boyfriend, and even though they didn’t end up together, they were still friends until now. Then, when she was around 20 or 21 years old, there was this guy from the army—a lieutenant. He was very goodlooking (more goodlooking than any of her past boyfriends) and everyone in the workplace (she worked in an army hospital I think, I’m not sure) was almost drooling over the guy. The reason was that, he wasn’t just the tall, dark and handsome type. He was also sweet, caring and very nice. Everyone liked him. He courted tita for more than six months already and it was very obvious that he loved her very much. Everyone was envious of her, and wherever they go together, people always looked at them, maybe because they were both tall and looked good together. She told me how sometimes, she feels a bit conscious because she couldn’t really know what they were thinking. Maybe their thoughts were, “He’s so good looking, how could he end up liking someone like her?”

She liked him and was beginning to fall for him, around this time, she was already thinking about saying yes to him but something was keeping her from doing it. It was as if she was still doubtful. And she didn’t trust guys with a face like his. Guys with that face are players. Everyone was frustrated with her, how could she be doubtful with someone like that? If she didn’t want him, they were all willing to take her place, or leave their husbands behind for him, LOL.

Then one day, there was this guy who got confined in the area and a friend of hers asked her to accompany her as he visits this friend of his. This guy was a cadet who went to a very prestigious school who trains people for the army and had an accident while he was there. He was just lying in his bed, while she on the other hand was irritated to have to be there and wasn’t looking directly at the guy though she could sense him looking at her from time to time, which irritated her more. Later that day, when she resumed her work (she works in the logistics area where the guy was confined), the guy visited her and stayed there sitting stiffly (as was the custom for guys in the army, so stiff this people are when they stand or sit down, lol) while she finished her work. She didn’t mind him, thinking he wants to ask her to accompany him around the place (because his friend told her to accommodate him while he was still there). The other soldiers in the room were smiling wickedly. I swear boys have this telepathic thing going on, lol.

She was shocked when after finishing her work, the guy didn’t ask to be accompanied around the area, he asked her out instead (like dinner and all those things). After three days, they were a couple. (WHAT!!! *insert shock face here* )

She told me that it may seem very fast but at that time, it was as if she knew the guy before already and she was very comfortable with him, as if they’ve known each other for years and not just for a few days. Everyone was like, “YOU DID WHAT?!” They were all rooting for the lieutenant and everyone was curious. Why did she just choose someone she just met (THREE DAYS, FOR GOD’S SAKE!) over a guy who has proven his feelings for her—and was hot, an officer, nice, intelligent blablabla.

She told me how it seemed that they fit. For the guy, it was love at first sight. One look at her, and something clicked. For her, it happened when they spent some time together. (The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, anyone?) She knew by the third day that she was in love. People still find it odd, how a newcomer could just win her over that easily and the other soldiers joke around how fast and slick he was to have won her over.

Their boss told the soldiers to let them be and be happy for them. It wasn’t very often that people find their “soulmates” and they were lucky to have found each other so easily. Yes, this came from one of the bosses from the army (didn’t know they have this romantic side, lol.). Everyone was still doubtful, would they really end up together after just meeting for a few days?

They did. They’ve been together for more than 20 years now and have 3 children already. 🙂

But… what happened to the lieutenant after learning about them being a couple?! 😦

Apparently, by the fifth day, the lieutenant paid her a visit, and wanted answers. Why so fast? He knew that she was falling for him and that anytime soon, she would have said yes to him if tito (as we fondly call him now) didn’t barge in. She didn’t know what to say. Only that, it was as if she was looking for something and couldn’t find it in him, he didn’t lack anything—in fact, he had everyting and was really ideal. But it just didn’t feel right, didn’t click. And the lieutenant couldn’t help it. He cried, in front of her. He was that hurt.

I felt sooo bad for him. I really did. 😥

Why is it that we always look for an ideal guy and when we find one that is closest to that image, they end up not being right? Whyyy?! Don’t get me wrong, I like tito. He’s very nice, does household chores, knows how to sing, a gentleman, has a sense of humor and all that. He might not be as goodlooking as the lieutenant guy but he wasn’t plain or ugly or anything, I actually find him goodlooking too. That made me wonder, if tito was already good looking and he still didn’t compare to the lieutenant’s looks… boy! That lieutenant must be really that hot! I wonder if he has a son now, lol.

Anyway, back to the story…

Later on, the lieutenant left for a mission. When he came back, tita was already married and pregnant with her first child. He was devastated. 😦 But he still wasn’t over her and even told her that he was willing to forget everything that happened before. He was willing to forget that she was married and was willing to accept the child as his own. He was willing to do all of this, just to have her, be with her. He loved her that much.

And again, my heart broke for him. 😥

It was like a goddamn movie or book!

I want him to be happy too. Like, if there’s movie one or book one, there’d be a movie 2 or book 2 and this time, it’s his love story that’s going to be written and that he’d finally meet the one he’d spent the rest of his life with.

I’m not the type who believes in fate, destiny or soulmates but after hearing their love story, it just made me want to badly believe in it. That maybe, I could find mine too or that the lieutenant finds his too. Tita has no idea where he is now, and I kept wondering, is he married now? Does he have a son around my age and shares his father’s features and personality? LOL

I kept thinking, the part where you see each other for the first time and everything just clicks and then you’ll have that gut feeling or whatever that… this is the one. Does that mean that person is really your soulmate? Or is it just us overthinking physical attraction or something? Well, for tita’s case, they ended up together and are happily married but it could be a case to case basis, right? There could be thousands of people out there who had experienced what they experienced but didn’t end up together. (I was one of those people. )

I just think that, anyone could be the one. It’s up to us to make that person be the one. I don’t really believe that it’s written in the book of our lives that we’d end up with a specific person, that it was already arranged who we end up with. If that was the case, how about those who ended up being single, divorced and all that? It seemed unfair somehow for some people to have it and others don’t.

That is why I’ve always believed that it’s entirely our decision, choices and actions that dictate what happens. Of course, it’s accompanied by chance or something random. Just like buffet served in a table. From among the dozens of food laid out, it’s always up to us which one to eat, discard etc.

But still, that romantic side of me couldn’t help but get giddy for tita and tito’s love story and be heartbroken for that lieutenant and wish that he’d meet his “soulmate” if there really is such a thing.

Wherever he is, I hope he’s happy. 🙂

And that he has a son just like him and that I’d be able to meet him and he’d fall head over heels in love with me too, nyaha! 😀

It’s better to be late than never.

Two nights ago, a friend of mine convinced me to watch Little Manhattan. At first, I really didn’t want to because I thought the movie was kinda lame. She told me that the story was really good and it was funny and cute and all those things a friend would say just so she’d make you do what she wants you to do (in this case, watch the movie.)

So I did.

Imagine my shock when I realized (err, more accurately, my friend told me) that this boy (2005):

A scene from Little Manhattan.

And this guy (2012):

A scene from The Hunger Games.

ARE ONE AND THE SAME! O_O

Okay, most of you might have known that already. Sorry, I really didn’t know until my friend pointed it out to me. 😀

I didn’t know that Josh Hutcherson (Peeta Mellark in The Hunger Games) had many movies in his younger years, not to mention that he was the lead in some or most of them (like Bridge in Terabithia). Annnndddd….

I do stand corrected.

LITTLE MANHATTAN WAS AWESOME. \m/

How I could let 7 years pass before I finally let someone convince me to watch it is beyond my understanding. The story was really cute, especially since it was in the eyes and the thinking of a 10 year old boy encountering his first “love”. Josh did a good job, I especially like the part where he cried his heart out after he and Rosemary had a fight while talking on the phone.

Actually, I love every scene in the movie. It made me laugh and all that. I’m 21 years old and a 10 year old boy made me giddy with his words and gestures. 😀

Good thing I allowed my friend to talk me into watching Little Manhattan. When you think about it, most if not all of us have been in this stage of our lives. That first crush, infatuation, love, denial, heartbreak and all that. Each stage is a new understanding of what it really means “to feel” and “to experience”. At some point, it mirrored our thoughts (both mature and immature) when we were or are on those stages.

Little Manhattan.

So for those who haven’t watched it yet (Please please please… Please let me be NOT the only one who hasn’t watched it.) It’s better to be late than never. Do watch it!!! 😀

Do you believe in Fate and Destiny?

“Destiny has brought us together.”

“I have to accept that this is my fate.”

Blabla.

I mean really. Is there really what we call Fate and Destiny? Does each and everyone of us has his or her future planned? Heck. I’m not just talking about love here. I mean, about everything.

Honestly, I don’t believe in fate and destiny. It’s not that I’m being hard or I’m trying to seem to be indifferent about it but because it seems to me that when we say that we believe in fate and destiny, we are actually indirectly accepting that we have no hold on our own future.

We, humans, are being dubbed as the higher species because we have FREE will. We are given the ability to think on our own, plan on our own and the like. But, this free will would seem useless in a sense because sooner or later, no matter what we do–if there really is what we call as fate and destiny–we would still end up to where we are supposed to be placed. Now, wouldn’t that be so…discouraging on our part?

If it exists, wouldn’t it be so…unfair? Unfair in a sense that, for example, you really, I mean really want to be a corporate lawyer working on a very prestigious law firm. You study hard, work hard, the list goes on. You have every opportunity open for you and you are really rooting for that dream. But then again, it’s already “written” in the “book of your life” that you’d end up as a say, a janitor or something so different from what you really like. What’s the point of letting you go all through those mazes, letting you feel you’re getting what you want but at the last minute, voila, you end up with something you didn’t want to.

We were given our own will to decide and to choose. But then because of those two bitches, what’s the point of deciding for your own when it’s not actually given for you to decide? You strive hard to ride your way to the right side but it was written that you end up on the left corner. What’s the point of letting me strive to go to the right when I won’t really end up there and good thing if you like what’s meant for you. What if it wasn’t really what you wanted out of life? Wouldn’t it be downright…mean?

It’s like letting you taste cotton candy when in fact, it would be taken away from you because you should be eating uh, I don’t know…Vegetables? You get my drift? Well, we could say that it’s just giving us the chance to experience other things before we end up with what we should be really ending up to but WHAT IF you don’t want what was laid before you? What if you wanted to be that other thing?

You could say that it could be changed. You could change your future. Then if that’s the case, it’s no longer fate or destiny because when we say it’s fate and destiny, the term itself is describing something that is fixed. Unmoved. If we could really change our future into what we want it to be, then fate and destiny isn’t working. It means, it doesn’t really exist.

For me, I guess it’s a product of commercialism and of the media. The way they seem to manipulate people’s minds and perceptions into believing something like this to suit their interests and in the end, benefit from it.

There are times though that I feel so tired doing everything I could to get what I want but in the end, all won’t be the way I want it to be. During those times, I often say, maybe this is where I am supposed to be or this is where I am meant to be. But it wasn’t because I actually believed what I was saying. It’s more of resignation or just passive acceptance. An excuse, maybe, to my current predicament.

This of course, is only an opinion. I’m not saying that I’m right or what I’m saying here is absolute. After all, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, right? I respect everyone’s perception on things and I hope you would do so with mine.

Staring at the mirror of the past and the present

After decades of being lost or whatever you call it, I have decided to write again or die trying.

I really miss writing, especially the part of it that makes me express myself and my perceptions on things. Staring at this monitor in front of me, I find it so hard to let the words and thoughts flow out like the way they used to before. This is the downside of neglecting doing something for so long. When you try to go back, it’s as if you have to start from scrap. Crap.

I’m not even sure anymore if what I’m writing right now is grammatically correct or not.

When I entered college, I thought I would be able to explore myself more… be more.But from what I am seeing, leaving my comfort zone resulted to leaving a part of my identity as well. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am right now but I love who and what I was before. I guess I just miss those times wherein I was able to do the things I really like and the things that I was obligated to do… all at the same time. Before, I was able to balance my studies, extra-curricular activities, and hobbies.

Of course, university life is obviously a different level compared to high school but then again, what I’m pointing out is my attitude towards responsibilities, obligations and whatnot. I was never the type who easily accepts failure and being average. Why should I be satisfied when I could do more than what was expected of me? I guess the reason for this kind of outlook was the fact that I have a reputation and an identity to live up to. People expected a lot from me, to be like this and like that, to be able to do this and that.

But cliche as it may seem, it’s true that when you go to a new environment, you have a chance of being a new you. Of course, it wouldn’t be so easy to assume a new identity or personality because more often than not, it’s not easy to pretend being someone else when you have been so used to being the you that you have known. But that’s not the real point here, the point is that with a new environment comes a new set of people. They don’t have the same expectations from you or perceptions about you compared to the people you knew before. They don’t really know who and what you were before.

For people like me, who used those very expectations and reputations to succeed or strive to do what it is that they want to achieve… losing that fuel meant losing the fire.

It’s really frustrating. I hate it that I have come to adhere to the concept of bahala na andpwede na yan. Why am I satisfied with the ordinary when I can do extraordinary? Why can I no longer balance my studies, extra-curricular activities, and hobbies? Why am I like this? Why?

I guess I’m just upset over the fact that I can no longer do or I don’t have the same enthusiasm for the things I love to do before. I miss reading on Literature and History. I miss writing. I miss parliamentary debating (even if it was mentally stressful, lol). I miss watching Anime and Korean dramas. I miss watching documentaries. I miss doing things that  had defined and shaped me as a person.

When I think about it, the only thing that I like to do that I’m still able to do is dancing and I have this feeling that someday, I might have to give that up too because of my studies.

It might seem shallow to be overly affected just because of these simple things but what I’m stressing here is that I am neglecting doing these little things, these very little things that I love doing just because I have to do the things that I am obligated to do but I don’t enjoy doing.

I know that I’m sulking and brooding over this situation that I’m currently in and instead of continuing to do so, I should do something productive or constructive out of it. But that’s the point, it’s as if I lost that part of me, that kind of thinking that I used to have.

Instead of becoming more, I’ve become less.