Reading addiction

If someone asked me if I have an addiction, I’d say yes.

Reading.

The first time I got addicted to reading was when I was in third grade. I remember being fascinated when we had our tour inside the library. And I can still remember the first book that paved the way to my relationship with countless others. It was a Sherlock Holmes book. His adventures had been my favorite then and it’s still my favorite now. I LOVE YOU, SHERLOCK! ❤

Since that first book, I always went back to the library to borrow more and for a third grader, I didn’t realize that what I was reading was a bit complex for my age. I was into Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Emily Bronte, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Shakespeare and so many more other classical authors. When I grew older, my readings become more diverse. With another book finished, there were still thousands of others waiting for me to discover.

I really love reading. I can go on for days not doing anything else but just read books or e-books. Of course I prefer real books to e-books but the latter is way cheaper than the former and so I have no choice. I have to wait for book sales or bookstores selling pre-loved books so as to buy the books I want at a cheaper price.

Books I got at the 35th Manila International Book Fair :)

Books I got at the 35th Manila International Book Fair 🙂

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Bought all these for only 300php at the National bookstore Warehouse Sale! 🙂

 I have this dream that one day, I’ll have my own library and I’ll buy all the books that I’ve already read before from libraries, e-books or from friends who were kind enough to let me borrow what they already had. But I’m still a long way from there. So far, I only have a little more than 50 books though I’ve probably read thousands of books from libraries, e-books, and from friends. It’s a sad and depressing thought actually. I often torture myself, going to bookstores and looking at books, reading their back covers then going out of the place empty handed. Still, I kept on coming back.

I don’t know why I like to read. Maybe my life isn’t as adventurous or exciting as those in books and I crave that? Or maybe I get a high from imagining the things I’ve read the same way drug addicts get high from whatever it is they take?

Like any other vice, there’s a downside to getting addicted to reading. I often fail to do the other important things I have to do because I prioritize reading a book/e-book I’ve come across. It makes me unproductive, just sitting or lying down reading instead of say, doing that Chemistry problem set due tomorrow, or that manuscript that needs revision and countless more others.

Despite knowing this… *singing ala Miley Cyrus in her song We Can’t Stop*

I can’t stop. No, I won’t stooop. 😛

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Bull’s Eye

“The biggest challenge you have is to challenge your own self-doubt and your laziness. It is your self-doubt and laziness that define and limit who you are. If you want to change what you are, you must take on your self-doubt and laziness. It is your self-doubt and laziness that keep you small. It is your self-doubt and laziness that deny you the life you want.

“I realized it was my lack of self confidence that was doing the arguing. I was arguing against a dream I wanted. I was arguing because I did not want to feel disappointed again. I was arguing because I was protecting myself from the pain that dreaming big dreams can bring if that big dream does not become reality. I had dreamed and failed. That night I realized that I was arguing against failing again, not against the dream.”

-Retire Young, Retire Rich

It was really out of innocent curiosity that I asked Kuya Dan what the book (Retire Young, Retire Rich) was all about. It was because he seemed really engrossed with it and being a bookworm that I was, I felt an urge to read it too and he let me.

These two paragraphs was like a dart making its way right through me. I’ve had my own share of regrets and if I were to blame something abstract, it would have been explained in detail by the paragraphs I wrote above. A lot of opportunities have knocked upon my door and as much as I want to take on and let it in, I chose instead to shut if off. Am I a coward? Maybe.

Am I playing safe? Maybe. But then again, is it really that wrong to protect oneself from experiencing that pain all over again? I know that sometimes, if you want something, you have to take the risks because if you never tried, you would never have known if you could’ve achieved that or not.

Not trying and being afraid to step out of that comfort zone would only result to a lifetime of WHAT IF’S. I know that because I’ve been there, done that and did it all over again.

Of course there were times wherein I’ve successfully challenged myself to change, to step into the unknown, to fight off the doubts that haunt my personality and the events surrounding me but then again, I can’t help but wonder for those dreams and experiences that I let go simply because I was afraid to feel the pain, to be disappointed, and to disappoint.

I’ve wanted to try a lot of things but my self doubt and laziness hindered me to do so. Sometimes, I reason out that it’s much better to have not tried something than trying and failing. Failing would have been tolerable but it being accompanied by pain and hurt is another thing.

Ignorance is bliss, they often say. I guess that’s how I console myself for my never ending What If’s…

There are also experiences that I haven’t tried yet and have presented itself upon me a couple of times already but, I always try to run away from it. Yes, I wasn’t able to experience it but I’ve seen a lot of people who did and it didn’t do them any good. Even though I wanted to, something keeps me from welcoming those experiences. Again, I don’t want to feel that pain and disappointment too. Maybe, one day, I would. When? I don’t know. Let things flow, I guess. Afterall, plans are just plans and in life, they’re not often followed. Either that, or I’m just simply a coward.

Damn, another deep entry. I think the dark side is going to engulf me whole.

Oh c’mon. I know a lot of people have experiences that they can relate to those statements above, right? I’m not an isolated case, I think (and sincerely hope).