Officially Unemployed!

Every time I try to put into writing all these thoughts in my head, I seem to find myself at a loss of words. I kept telling myself I was too busy to spend just enough time to sit down and write whatever it was I was feeling at the moment. While I was on hiatus, one important life event happened to me (haha! Too much Facebook ugh)

I’m officially unemployed!

Yeppp. Yours truly is a proud graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Chemistry under her belt! 😀

I could still remember that day. I had to pass my thesis manuscript with the acceptance sheet and I was going crazy about the possibility that I might not be able to submit it on time what with the deadline being that day. I already had finished my thesis defense daysss before and my manuscript as well but what made everything hard was making the important people to sign my acceptance sheet. When I finally was able to complete the required signatures, it was LITERALLY a few minutes before the deadline which was 5PM. I think I submitted it around 4:58PM or something. NO KIDDING. It made me so damn nervous. Thinking that all the hard work I did during the semester would be in vain if the manuscript was  not submitted on time.

I kept thinking about Murphy’s Law at that moment. I was damn close and what can go wrong might really go wrong then and there. Luckily, I survived the ordeal.

It felt so surreal. In fact, I didn’t feel like I’ve really graduated then and there. I don’t know. I mean, that was it? I guess I kind of expected something grand to happen. Like maybe someone throwing confetti and a banner would show up that said, “Congratulations! You’ve finally graduated!”

I was so paranoid I had asked the college secretary to double check my records so as to confirm that I have really completed the required units for my degree. We never really know, I mean, I could have missed taking one more PE subject or had an incomplete or I’ve failed a subject I thought I passed. I didn’t stop at that, I also checked my grades and subjects online AND went back to the College Secretary’s office and requested for a Certificate of Graduation (since I can’t get my diploma until I’m cleared from the university). I have developed this habit of looking at my certificate just to make sure that it’s all real. They won’t give me that certificate if it wasn’t true, right?

I was that paranoid. And I guess, it was just hard to believe. After all these years, finally! I did it. You know that feeling you get when you worked so hard for something, waited for such a long time to achieve a certain goal that when you’ve already succeeded in obtaining that goal, you just… You just can’t believe it. You’re happy, sure.

But dreaming about it, working your way through is different from finally being there.

What I’m currently waiting for now is my graduation which will be this April. I’m what you’d call a first semester graduate so I had to wait until after the 2nd semester is over for me to have that graduation march.

NEXT GOAL: PASS THE CHEMIST LICENSURE EXAM!

Ticking Time Bomb

It’s the 1st of July, another month closer to the end of the semester. Why do I feel like I’m a living time bomb? Another month has passed, nearing my explosion and thus, my death. I used to wish or even demand for the semester to come and go quickly so I can enjoy the semestral break. Apparently, when you’re doing your thesis, the opposite happens. Time just goes so quickly! It’s as if it’s mocking me to run after it and go way past it. Can’t it just take a pause and rest for awhile? A very long while. [insert grabbing hair in frustration here] If I’m the time bomb, my thesis is the detonator and the ones holding that detonator are my thesis adviser and panel members.

God, I’m so nervous. Why is time suddenly going way too fast? It was only June last night, for crying out loud!

I need to get myself together. I have traveled a very long and difficult road to get to where I am right now. I can almost see the “light”. I guess there always comes a time when you’re close to finishing something you have worked hard for, you suddenly get cold feet. You suddenly think, “Am I really almost there?” “Is it almost over?” “Is everything really going to be okay?” “Is this for real?!”

Don't give up now. You are closer than you think.

Don’t give up now. You are closer than you think.

But I can’t possibly give up now, not when I know that I am closer than I think. I guess I’ll have to just look back and remember the sleepless nights, the sacrifices, the tears I’ve shed over the years just to get to where I am right now.

First things first, I have to get way past the experiments I still have to do before I can start writing my thesis manuscript, then, thesis defense. Then…

GRADUATION.

The top of the mountain, the light at the end of a long road, the goal. One word. But more than enough to make every hardship worth it.

Dont-Give-Up

Always remember, it will be worth it.

DP Weekly Writing Challenge, “Starting Over”: Winged Memories

“WINGED MEMORIES”

I thought it was just like any other day. If I only knew way back then how wrong I was. I was on my way home when a butterfly caught my eye. Butterflies have always fascinated me with their beauty. This particular one is currently flying from one colourful flower to another. I was an inch away from its wings when, as if on cue, rain started to fall. I was on the verge of giving up any hope of staying dry when realization dawned upon me. Above me was an umbrella, held by a boy with startling brown eyes. Now, I was no longer just fascinated with the butterflies.  My memories are now filled with fascination and love for him.

Ten long years have already passed since that fateful day. We became friends and so much more. Who would have thought that that ugly looking umbrella would start it all? Now here I am, looking so beautiful in my white gown. The ceremony was about to start and as I was busy looking over the crowd of expectant faces, a pair of colourful wings caught my eye. It was, I realized, a butterfly.

Suddenly, everything became a blur and I felt like I was that girl again from ten years ago. Staring into those brown eyes, I remembered so much more. He was staring at someone from my behind. I turned around and saw my best friend. Her beauty radiated as she gracefully walked by. Ten long years had really passed and so many things had happened—things that were way beyond my control. Today is my best friend and his’ wedding ceremony.

As the wings of the butterfly slowly faded from my sight, I had come to accept that my memories of him would have to fade. I looked back at the happy couple in front of me as they, in turn, looked lovingly into each other’s eyes and I thought, “It’s time for me to start over too.”

————————————-

This is my first time participating in The Daily Post’s Weekly Writing Challenge. 🙂 After reading this week’s theme, writing a short piece of creative writing on Starting Over, this piece instantly came into mind. This was originally written for my English class when I was still in my freshman year. We were asked to write a very short story containing the words: butterfly, beauty, umbrella, girl, and ceremony. 🙂

This is what happens when I make a report late at night…

I’m currently doing a laboratory report for my Chem 112.1 (Physical Chemistry II- Laboratory) subject and I’m not exactly sure what time this happened but I think it was past midnight already.

My eyes were already fighting so damn hard to remain open that I didn’t realize that I wasn’t making any sense anymore. I want to sleep but I still can’t because I still have to do the a lot of calculations and whatnot.

It’s 3:30AM.

GAHD.

//

Weekly Photo Challenge: Together

This is my first time to participate in the Weekly Photo Challenge of The Daily post. For this week’s theme, I’ve chosen this photo of an important time in my life.

Success is sweeter when earned and achieved TOGETHER. 🙂
Photo by: Enoc Malonzo

 

This photo was taken after it was announced that our dance group won the 2012 National Dance Championship-College Hip Hop Division.

A picture is indeed, worth a thousand words. In this stolen photo, a lot of things have already been said and thought. This photo of us together summarized all the hardships, sacrifices, happiness, sadness, injuries (physical and emotional), moments, and time that we’ve shared together in making the dance routine that won us the Championships.

We danced and we won… TOGETHER. 🙂

Champions, baby!

Being a student/dancer isn’t easy, especially when you have to go to classes at day and trainings at night, not to mention the sacrifices we make in order to produce a routine that is worth watching. It could be anything–from grades to social life, relationships, time and self relaxation–but despite all that, seeing something you and everyone else has worked hard on paying off… WOW. The feeling is just awesome.

I’m not the best dancer in the group, but I’m proud to be a part of it even as just a very small fraction of it. I’m proud and happy to say that I’m a member of the Wyre Underground of UPLB.

Wyre Underground of UPLB and some friends. 🙂
Photo by: Enoc Malonzo

It has its moments, wherein I’m torn between my studies and dancing and the pressures both give me. There were times I had to stop dancing because of my studies but still, I kept on coming back, because even if I find it hard to juggle the two and often I feel like I’m not good enough, it boils down to two things: I want to dance and I enjoy doing so.

And now, as the group continues to grow, another success was added to the list, and I’m proud to be a part of it. 🙂

Champions, baby! (All Girls College Hip Hop Division- National Level)
Photo by: Enoc Malonzo

Now, if only my grades were champion material too…

Failure seems to be the hardest word.

The idealist in me had planned 5 months ago that a change in ways, manners, principles and outlook must be enforced and achieved. However, the results showed otherwise. If ever I did change, which was definitely not the case, it wasn’t for the better. Unfortunately, it was for the worse.

For a semester deprived of dance trainings every night, I was supposed to be performing better in an entirely different arena—the academe. The decrease in the number of distractions and consequently, the time allotted for such distractions should have resulted to an increase in the improvement of my grades. Logically, that should have been the case, but reality turns out to be the complete opposite. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore to share idle time with, no dance training every night or performance to think about. I should have had more time for pursuing academic excellence—as what our professors continuously remind us to do.

The plans my ideal self planned to achieve was a failure. The realist in me failed to live up to the standards, simple because I lacked the discipline, the will, and the enthusiasm to do so. My grades were mediocre. I was a complete and utter failure.

I often find articles regarding how grades should not define a person, how learning has ceased to be an enjoyable experience due to the stress that running after excellence has been giving, how being in a school for achievers has made grades the yardstick of success, how we became victims by trading our enthusiasm to learn for an uno. I often applaud such articles, for the simple fact that I can see myself in those words. Knowing that several others approve of such articles and relate to the predicament these articles voice out was a breather. It was like pulling a huge thorn out of my heart.

I was not alone.  Someone had the courage to write and voice out the situation that has inadvertently made me and several others see that we have become victims of the determination to maintain the cream of the crop status. A status that has forever been the light that we often find ourselves following and the light we enjoy immensely, despite its burning consequences, like a moth attracted to the light lamp, only to have its wings burned for being so near or aiming to be near, fascinated by the shine its light promises.

Being an emblem of excellence has promised us of a brighter future, one with success hanging unto every step we take and every word we say. Yet, how many college drop-outs and students with mediocre or failing grades had disproved that? Plenty out there, I’m sure. Somehow, this could be a suggestion that an absence of excellent grades in the transcript does not entirely equate failure, doesn’t it? Surely, there must be something else besides the grades, right?

Having such thoughts, however, does not make me feel better about myself. I was merely looking for an excuse for the lack of improvement on my part. I was desperately looking for an explanation that would remove the blame from me, and unto the system. I may be a victim of such circumstance, however, that does not justify that I should take these subjects carelessly, which I did. What a shame.

Somewhere along the years, I had ceased to enjoy learning just for the sake of learning, even for the things that I used to be interested in. I was a history enthusiast, a literature geek, and one who appreciated Science and all the wonders it offers. Yet, here I am, no longer able to read anything about History, of have the time to take a time for enjoying the Classics. Much worse, I have come to a point that I don’t want to learn anything about Science. Ironically, my course demanded me to love it, for I was a student studying Chemistry. The Queen of Science, they often say. Learning about her has been a very tough and rocky ride. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve shedded tears over her, whether it was for a failing score on an exam, the extensive laboratory reports, or the failing grades.

I want another chance to prove to myself that I can be better than that. I often wonder why I couldn’t even appreciate the number of blessings and chances that have been knocking on my door. I’m not even sure if I had ever allowed those chances to get the most out of me or if I had ever appreciated and put to use the blessings that has been pouring in, waiting.

I may have told myself a number of times that I would change. I sincerely hope that this time, it’s not only about telling but doing.